Starting New Place, Meeting New People, the “blinking sign” of losing a child

Life will roll on…

Just like the sun shines and the earth turns. And the pain of loosing Christopher is always there. It is in the back of my mind, it is stamped on my heart, and often I feel I have an invisible sign flashing above my head that reads “my child died!”

The hardest part is something new. New job, new friends, new experiences. I feel like I am almost lying by just talking about Katie and Andrew. I want so bad to scream “ I have another child!!” That sign flashing above my head.

I recently took a position as a visiting professor to teach Nursing. The staff is wonderful. However, the first few weeks I have felt like I have this secret when I walk around.  The sign flashing above my head and always in my thoughts. I want the world to know. I want the world to know he existed, and he was my miracle baby. I want the world to know I have three.

Walking around the past few weeks at work, I almost feel sick to my stomach, just waiting to tell someone about Christopher. I so badly want somebody, anybody, to know about him.

A friend recently invited me to join a book club. I love reading. My goal is to write the journey I am on and have it published someday. I want to make a difference in someone’s life. But the thought of being around a group of women, who didn’t know me, well, I never returned my friends e-mail. People, no matter who they are, or where they are at, will ask about children. How do I respond? The question of the ages….

Life keeps pushing me on. Sometimes I don’t want it too. But it does. The new adventures, new people, new challenges will be ahead. That in many ways is what makes life wonderful. But it also scares me… How do I get rid of the blinking sign?

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